To Dad-With love
(Unedited)
“She did not stand alone, but what stood behind her, the most potent moral force in her life, was the love of her father.” — H.Lee
Appa(Dad),
I can’t begin to fathom why this happened to you and to us. I miss your loving, stellar, honest, sharp, compassionate, kind, charming personality. I’d add a thousand adjectives but they wouldn’t do any justice to describe how perfect of a dad you are. I miss that loud laughter of yours. I miss my pre-stroke Appa. Very much.
A stroke that left you immobile, paralytic and took away your cognition.
I write, when I want to learn, get clarity and channel my thoughts. Every time I sat to write for over half a year, I would stop mid-way. I never found words to express what was going through my heart and mind. It was incomprehensible pain seeing you suffer, signing medical consent forms (The ones that state- death might be a possible outcome), taking the best medical decisions for you. It felt and feels like I was and I am grieving. But I’ve always read or known grieving as a response to when you lose someone. I searched for answers, tried speaking to people, read books, took help. I later understood, after 7 long months that I have been going through grief. It’s called Anticipatory grief. I have been grieving the YOU before the stroke.
Oh boy! Onward, Lion King, Moana, Mulan and Finding Nemo made me weep after this. You should know I broke down at a grocery store and in many unconventional places, successfully. Grief is a process and it just happens in instalments I guess. I see these little things around the house and I am reminded how organised you are. You never missed a day journaling! How did you make time to do all that? I am learning to celebrate YOU and the new you.
Appa, all these people say you are blessed cause you have us. I am sure, it’s the other way around. The number of people who showed up to support us was so overwhelming. You have helped many and you are loved by the community and friendships you’ve built over 70+ years.
I know you are in chronic pain every day but you never give up and try again. You persevere and motor through! I love that attitude of yours! 2021 has been a season of suffering and learning.
I have learnt from you:
- To be kind
- To be calm
- To be grateful
- To organise
- To ride your lovely scooter
- To be patient
- To call out bull shit, boldly!
- To ask for help when needed
- To give and receive hugs
- To persevere
- To say “I love you” every single day!
- To laugh again with you ❤
Most importantly, I have learnt that I have an amazing brother, a loving mom, two attention-seeking dogs and a place I call HOME. Thank you for always seeing the best in me and for letting me make my own mistakes. Thank you for nurturing so much love, Appa! I am proud to say that you have raised a wonderful family and a loving daughter. A daughter who shall always carry your name with pride and strength.
You taught me how to walk and It’s my turn to walk with you.
Love,
Ajeetha Gopal.
